Let the right things go

Keeping your focus where it makes the most difference

You have to stop caring so much.

The words to my colleague had barely escaped when I wished I had them back. In a world where caring human beings seem endangered, I was suggesting that someone care less. That simple combination of words — care-less — implies a disregard for what’s important. I needed a different approach.

My colleague already had enormous responsibilities that were promising to grow in the new year. I was genuinely worried about them. I’ve seen and lived the effects of caring — and therefore carrying — too much. We end up with some toxic combination of stressed bodies, overtaxed minds, and faltering spirits — a state that is unhealthy for us and not productive for our organizations.

How do we remain caring individuals but not end up carrying so much it breaks us?

The answer is learning to let the right things go.

Soon after I started my first leadership role, I found myself exhausted at the end of the day. It confused me. I lacked the tangible output of my prior role as an application developer, so it felt like I was doing less. How could I be more exhausted? It turns out that leadership is primarily about people and decisions, both of which can tax our physical and emotional systems. As I grew professionally and started leading larger teams, I noticed that this leadership tax grew exponentially if I tried to keep my head and hands in all the activities of the organization.

At some point, it’s impossible to even be aware of all the nooks and crannies, much less care about them all. If you try, you’ll do nothing but drown yourself — and possibly bring your team down with you.

You have to let some things go, but it’s critical that you let the right things go.

I’ve found three approaches that work for me.

• Feel, and then analyze. We spend a lot of energy getting worked up about things that don’t really matter. They certainly feel important or urgent in the moment. When I feel this sudden urgency, I’ve learned to step back and analyze why I’m feeling that way. Am I creating the urgency in my head? Or is there a valid organizational need that’s driving the feeling? What’s going to happen if I don’t address this thing right now? Taking this simple step back can save us from the tyranny of the urgent. It’s amazing how many things just disappear if you ignore them for a couple of days. If you’ve misjudged, the truly important things always find their way back to your radar.

• Delegate and trust. How many of the tasks that fill our to-do lists can be accomplished by someone else on our team? Delegating tasks can take a load off you and be a great opportunity for someone else. But remember that part of delegation is trusting the person you’ve tasked to complete the item. If you don’t have confidence in them and do nothing but worry about their performance, you haven’t removed any of the weight from yourself.

• Compartmentalize. Leading people involves a ton of emotion — especially their emotions. The best leaders connect with their teams deeply in a way that boosts morale and generates meaningful work. But this runs the risk of being so emotionally invested in their needs that we forget our own. There is a way to empathize with our employees in the moment, while also keeping one foot firmly grounded in ourselves. We can be there for them, and coach them when appropriate, but their stuff is their stuff. We can’t carry it for them.

I’ll need to follow up with my colleague. They didn’t need to stop caring so much. They just needed to let the right things go so all that power of their care was focused where it can make the most difference.